With that prayer offered up to the heaven lies, I looked at my watch. I was now 11:30 A.M., and I wondered what I was going to do for the next five hours. Whatever it would be, a nap seemed like a promising proposition for the afternoon. I stayed a while longer at the park and passed away some time watching people. If I could be paid to watch the intricacies and interactions of what people do, how they do it, and to think about their thoughts prior to their actions, I would certainly take that job. People are such interesting creatures.

                Feeling the need to move on to another part of my day, I left the park. I found a shopping district in downtown which housed a plethora of eclectic little shops. Surely I would find something to hold my interest until I felt sleepy. In fact, if the shopping was good, that would carry me the rest of the afternoon until it was time to meet Rona back at her place. The first shop I entered was a Chocolatier. I reasoned that I was worth a few pieces of chocolate and ordered a few pieces. They were served on a nice silver platter small enough to hold a few chocolate pieces for one. Not having tea, I ordered a small coffee to go along with the yummy bites of chocolaty goodness. I had a piece that was sprinkled with curry dust. Another that was to mimic Kahlua. And finally one that was simply a plain-Jane dark chocolate from Africa.

                Upon leaving the chocolate shop, I was immediately attracted by a local shoe shop. It was rather large for the space, it seemed and they had everything from designer shoes, to sandals, to everyday walkers. Rona was a fan of Dansko shoes, as she wore them for her work in the medical field. I tried a few pair on, but they did not fit my foot as well as I would have liked. Personally, I am a fan of Clarks. They had quite a selection of Clarks, so I felt right at home. There was a pair of sandals and also a pair of lace-ups, and finally a slip-on that caught my eye. Not being able to decide, I purchased all three.

               

                 Now that I had found some shoes, I needed a few tops and a pair of pants or two. I was surprised to see a White House/Black Market in the downtown area and this would certainly fit the bill. As one of my favorite stores because of the simple fact that they get me and how I like to dress, this would be the last place that I needed to shop prior to returning to Rona’s place. A few pair of slacks, a mini-skirt and a few tops later, and I was officially a “bag-lady”.

                At times I can feel a little uneasy about splurging more than just a few dollars into the economy, but I needed the therapeutic feel that shopping brings to my life. I hailed a cab, and after a short ride to Rona’s place it was time for a nap. When I awoke, Rona was home and I heard the shower running. A few minutes later, she stepped out and woke me up by stroking my hair against my forehead. I had slept for a little over two hours, and now it was my turn to get ready. Rona suggested the mini-skirt that I had purchased that afternoon and also explained that she had a surprise for me that evening. There was someone she wanted me to meet.

                I was in the mood for steak, so she made a reservation at Ruth’s Chris steakhouse on the Waterfront. The atmosphere was perfect for an evening on the town and I was excited to meet her beau. Jack was an ear, nose and throat specialist in Knoxville. He and Rona had met at a conference at the University of Tennessee. She had gone for some kind of extra credit toward her residency and Jack was there to give a talk. Jack met us there around 6:30 P.M. He was tall, dark and handsome. He had grown up in Minnesota and then was accepted to the University of Tennessee for medical school a few years ahead of Rona. As he talked, I was engrossed in his words. He explained that Knoxville was home to some of the most advanced ear, nose and throat practices in the country because of the air quality. Unbeknownst to me, I was not aware that Knoxville sat in a valley in such a way that the smog from the surrounding high areas settled in the valley. This made for an area that has one of the poorest air quality ratings in the entire United States, and hence the prevalence for his specialty.

                As he talked, I was happy to listen, but at the same time, I longed for someone of his intellect in my life. He was young, vibrant, good looking and successful. Rona had reeled in a good catch. My steak was everything that I hoped it would be. Coupled with some asparagus slightly buttered and finished with olive oil, salt and pepper, it was the perfect compliment. Jack was engaging the entire evening. He and Rona had developed a strong relationship in a short amount of time. They had been dating for only eight months at this point. I would have guessed longer by the sincerity of their embrace toward one another and the way they seemed to be able to finish each other’s sentences.  I was happy for her, and at the same time longing for what she had.

                Jack had been forewarned that I was here to get away from my situation at home in Roanoke. He was kind enough to let me talk about anything that tickled my fancy, and never asked me any hard questions. He was polite and professional in his conversation. I thought to myself over dinner that it again was time for some serious change. I was unsure what that should be at the moment, so I squashed the thoughts as they came and decided I would deal with them tomorrow. I was here on this evening to enjoy Rona, Jack and my steak. After several bottles of wine, it was appropriate for us both to catch a cab. Jack went his own way, and Rona and I back to her place.

                We stayed up that night for quite some time as we had many nights when we were roommates in college. She told me about what she and Jack were planning, which at this point, was a vacation to go skiing in Vermont in the spring. She offered for me to come and join them. Initially, I declined, but said that I would keep the invitation in the back of my mind if it was still available in the spring. When Rona finally went to her room, I could feel the tears beginning to swell in my eyes. I made no noise that evening, but the tears streamed down my face as I lay there trying to go to sleep. I wiped them from my face from time to time as I wanted to feel happy for Rona. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.

                Having enjoyed my breakfast at Toast on Market the day before, I returned. They were not a bit surprised as I ordered Eggs Benedict and Chamomile tea. It was as if I had become a local having eaten there the day before. It felt nice to feel welcome. I resolved that today would be a good day. After breakfast, I went back to the park I had also been to the day before and decided to have a serious brainstorming session with myself about my life. I started with the question of what I wanted to look like in five years. Undoubtedly, I wanted to be married to the love of my life, preferably to someone who was straight and enjoyed a good roll in the sack. He would have to be a professional in some capacity, as I enjoyed the finer things in life. I thought about the people in the movies. What actor would I like my new husband’s features to be similar to? How would he dress? How would he speak? I couldn’t come up with any one answer, so I picked two or three and resigned to the fact that he needed to have some of the better qualities of each. I wanted children. So any guy that did not want children or would want to wait several years to have them was out. I already felt like my internal time clock was ticking at a rate faster than New York minutes. He would also like to travel. A home-body just wouldn’t do. And what about myself, what would I change? This was a question that would take some time, as right now I was a woman scorned. I resented all men, for that matter, but I was not even divorced and was pressuring myself to find a new man. I would have to ponder further.

                Upon leaving the park, I headed back to Rona’s place for another nap. Maybe after a soothing bath I would feel better and be able to sleep, as there was much on my mind. I drew a bath and also made me a cup of tea to enjoy while bathing.  Rona would not be home until 4:30 P.M., so I had much time to think. My father had been gracious to allow me to work in the family business, but I felt the need to “leave the nest” so to speak and become more independent. I wondered what my mother was feeling at home as I had yet to tell her what was wrong. I would have to tell her on Saturday and I was not ready for that discussion.

                A nap was just what I needed after my bath and tea. I slept for only an hour, and I had some more time to think about what else I was going to do with my life until Rona returned. My thoughts were scrambled at times and nothing seemed clear. The one thing I kept coming back to was the fact that I would soon be alone, and I needed to flex my muscle of independence. I tried to think about things in prayer, but it seemed as though I was not heard in this moment. Instead, I decided to write:

 Mom & Dad,

I know I have yet to tell you about the events that have unfolded and as to why I have come to Knoxville on a whim. These past couple of days that I have spent with Rona has been good for my soul. I needed a break from Roanoke, and while Knoxville is not that far away, I needed to get as far away from home as possible. The truth is harsh; I am getting a divorce. I have yet to tell Rona exactly why and it is going to be hard for me to tell you both. Please do me the favor of listening to me intently and without judgment.  I need you both now more than ever.

Stephanie

                There was a post office drop box in Rona’s building, so I ran down the steps and placed the letter in the slot. I was praying that it would reach them by Saturday. Not long after returning upstairs, Rona came home from work. We discussed what we would do for the evening. I suggested that we go out to a quiet place for dinner, or ordering in seemed appropriate. We ordered some Chinese and decided that if we felt the urge we would walk to a local pub for a night cap. The truth was, I was not in the mood to be seen. Rona could sense that, and she suggested that we go out. Not wanting to waste any moment of my time with her in Knoxville, I agreed. She knew of a place called Bella Luna where they had a jazz band that played on Thursday – Sunday. It would give us a chance to have some dessert and listen to some soft music.

                We both ordered Tiramisu and in the spirit of my good mood, I ordered a Rainy Day Martini. Cucumber lime vodka, cranberry juice and soda, and a slice of cucumber for garnishing. I was pleasing to the palate and after finishing the first one, I ordered a second. As I listened to the music, it seemed soothing, but the notes and the beats jumping here and there seemed to be a lot like my life. As I thought about the past six years, nothing seemed quite normal. We always had enough money to cover the bills, but that alone does not make for a smooth ride in a marriage. It simply releases the pressure from an economic standpoint. Graham was initially concerned about getting married. And we only had sex six times in six years. Those two points seemed to make sense if what I knew now was true. However, the rest of the events, such as the passing of his father had made our sleigh ride called marriage anything but smooth. The next time, there would be more stability, more routine, and more predictability.

                Rona caught me in deep thought and asked me what I thought I was going to do. I explained that Graham had already moved out of the apartment and back home with his mother. So I did not have the worry about looking for a new place to live. I did, however, want to change jobs. I explained how gracious my father had been, but it was time to strike out on my own. Mostly, I wanted to be in love as she was with Jack, but I could not get those words from my mouth at this moment. She was kind and tried to repeat the situation and plans back to me in a simple fashion. The only thing that I really needed to do besides wait on the divorce papers to come in the mail was find a new job. And that would be easy enough, right?

               

                After that exchange, we enjoyed a few more martinis and the music. It was a beautiful night in Knoxville, and as we left Bella Luna, there was an equally impressing moon high above that evening. We had accomplished our goal of getting out of the house and enjoying ourselves. Tomorrow would be a new day. With each day, I could feel myself getting closer to the reality of the situation, and my ability to deal with the emotional trauma was also getting stronger. I still had to tell my mother and father on Saturday, which I was dreading. Thank God tomorrow was Friday.

                While I had hoped that Friday would be my most relaxing day, it was anything but. Like a flash of lightning, it was here and gone. We had spent the day shopping and I once again splashed the economy with my hard earned dollars. It only seemed right to allow all charges to funnel through the joint account. I deserved something from the struggle and strife that was impending. Rona bought lunch and dinner that day and we had a cup of tea prior to going to bed. I made a game plan for what was going to happen the following week. I would begin hitting the streets on Monday after placing my informal resignation with my father on Saturday.

                When I crawled into my car early Saturday morning, it was still dark. Rona was nice enough to get up early with me and see me off. As I hugged her, she reminded me that the Vermont trip was still on the table as an offer should I decide to take her up on it. As I drove across I-40 toward Asheville, there was a thick fog. It was clearing somewhat by the time I turned left onto I-81N toward Roanoke. It was about 8:00 A.M. then and I would be arriving at home about lunchtime. Not wanting to think about how I would begin to tell my parents of the events from the previous week, I turned up the radio loud and did my best to sing along with the music that was playing.

                At 12:30 P.M., I arrived at my parent’s home in Fincastle. My mother was sitting at the kitchen table when I arrived looking out the window over the farm in a blank stare and holding the letter that I had mailed. She knew immediately that what I was going to tell her was earth-shattering, but she remained calm. She put the tea kettle on the stove and poured each of us a cup. I began by saying that the last several months with the passing of Graham’s father had been tough. But that is not what the problem was really. I explained that what Graham had told me last Friday was above reproach. When I told her that Graham had told me that he was gay, she placed her hand over her mouth in disbelief. Not wanting to tell my father myself, I encouraged Mom to explain the situation to Dad. She agreed that she would try to do it with tact. Nonetheless, it would have to be blatant and to the point.

                Dad had gone into work that morning to work on some things as I had no doubt left him with extra responsibilities that week. When he came home, I decided that I would tell him myself. I explained over lunch the issue and I also explained that I felt it was best that I move on from the family business and search for a new job. He understood and was patient in his understanding. I stated that I wanted to start looking on Monday and he agreed to start looking for a replacement to fill my shoes. They had taken the news better than I expected. Having grown up in the church, they immediately recognized the simple facts as just that, facts that could not be overcome with persuasion or a change of thinking. If Graham was gay, he was gay after all.